The electric kool-aid absinth tests...

By ROBERT SCHWARTZ
School of Communication
University of Miami

PRAGUE— Is that a shooting star you see in the sky? Is that two, three more? Just minutes ago, it was a clear night.

Why is the moon inching closer and closer, taking over the deep, blue abyss of the evening? Just minutes ago it was situated neatly in the sky's corner.

Absinth is for sale in many shops and stores, especially in tourist areas such as Wenceslas Square (Photo by Bruce Garrison).

And why are you beginning to see the tops of buildings sway and distort? Just moments ago, they were perfectly still.

Ah, it's because it is 1889, you are Vincent van Gogh standing at your window in front of a half painted canvas, and you've been drinking a very strong, deep green colored drink for hours on end.

The painting is Starry Night and the drink is Absinth.

Surely you've heard of it. Its reputation has traveled far and wide, despite being illegal in many countries.

But not in the Czech Republic.

And so, it has become something of a tourist attraction, and the draw lies in the legend. Over the centuries, many famous writers and artists (Oscar Wilde, van Gogh and Pablo Picasso to name only a few), have attested to the bright green drink being the direct source of much of their creativity. It is important to note, however, that in those days Absinth contained up to 100 mg of the psychoactive thujon chemical (today, the European Union allows a maximum of 10 mg).

Years later, taking heed of the ancient recipe that would cure ills (recall the great mathematician Pythagoras for his theorem, but also note that he recommended a form of absinth— wormwood soaked in wine— to aid labor in childbirth), the drink was reborn.

A French doctor named Pierre Ordinaire reinvented absinth in its modern form in 1792 to include large quantities of herbs like wormwood (containing the chemical thujon) and anise, and varying amounts of chamomile, parsley and spinach.

And since that time it has enjoyed changing levels of popularity, finally banned in America by the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture in 1912.

Since then, rumors of its effects have spread. It has seen an insurgence over the past six years that it hadn't in more than 50, and its popularity is growing along with world-wide curiosity.

But does it work?

To try and see if modern day absinth (containing a mere 1/10 of the psychoactive chemicals rumored to have inspired Van Gogh to cut off his ear) a panel was devised in order to answer this simple, burning question. Which Czech absinth will make you cry for mommy, and which will simply lift your spirits?

Let's meet the judges:

Robert Schwartz, author of this article. A 22 year old student from Connecticut, sampling Hill's Absinth, Fruco-Shultz Absinth, and Absinth 35.

Asha Sue Anderson, a 21-year-old student and waitress from Florida, will be sampling Staroplzenechy Red Absinth.

Gwendolyn Beresford Potter, a 22-year-old student from Kentucky, will be sampling King of Spirits Absinth.

Jennifer Cook Kachmarik, a 20-year-old (it's legal, we're in the Czech Republic) student and bartender from Florida, will be sampling Staroplzenechy Green Absinth.

All test runs are based on samples of between approximately two and six ounces of the fairy green.

 

Test One, Hill's Absinth.

Very popular after World War II, but shut down during the communist regime, Hill's Liquors reopened in the early 1990s. Now one of the more popular Czech absinths, Hill's contains 70 percent alcohol by volume and 10 mg thujon per liter.

Weary of its capabilities, as I had never tried absinth before, I decided not to sample it, not tonight. But as the strong Czech beer piled up in my belly and brain, the nerves began to cease. At the time I wasn't feeling the evening, not having too much fun at this dance club.

I took the large shot along with five friends. It did not go down easy. The burning began in the back of my throat, but all of a sudden I realized it had encompassed my entire mouth, esophogus, and chest. I had just drank down, as quickly as I could, a cup full of needles, razor blades, and glass shards, and they were now floating through my body, with no immediate psychological affects, except remorse. Man, why did I drink that?

Until, about 10 minutes later, when for some strange reason, someone decided to hit me with a large, solid wooden board. I became weary and disoriented, and when I came-too I was dancing like a mad man out on the floor, certainly feeling the evening now.

And then all of a sudden it dawned on me, I knew this feeling. I had felt it before. No one had hit me, except my own brain. This was the feeling of vodka shots finally catching up. A truly amazing liquid, vodka. Clear and tasteless and you feel nothing after about four or five quick shots. But then after the sixth, you're a mad man. It hits you like the proverbial ton of bricks. And that was how I felt now, after one hefty shot of absinth.

Vote:

No hallucinations, but it certainly made for a more interesting evening.

 

Test Two, Staroplzenechy Red.

Part of a new generation of absinths designed more for mixed drinks, Staroplzenechy Red contains only 60 percent alcohol by volume, but contains the export limit of 10 mg of thujon per liter.

"I feel marvelous, glorious," confesses Asha about 15 minutes after her first sip (she had taken a few more since then).

"Things are starting to look a little fuzzy, and I feel really hot. It tastes like cinnamon mouthwash mixed with rubbing alcohol. There's a long, lingering, bad aftertaste."

She becomes very bouncy, as if she has had a lot to drink. However, it does not seem as if she is exactly seeing trails off the lamp light.

"It makes my hand-eye coordination better," she says, laughing, while bouncing a small rubber ball off the wall, having a wonderful time. "I feel loose, like I want to dance. I feel drunk."

Vote:

With less alcohol content, the effect is less severe. As for the thujon:

"I feel fuzzy," says Asha, "fuzzy and warm, warm and fuzzy. . .I'm not seeing any trails though."

 

Test Three, Fruco-Schulz Absinth.

Manufactured in Southern Bohemia, Fruco-Schulz contains the standard 70 percent alcohol by volume and 10 mg thujon per liter.

A polite after-dinner drink, this absinth has more of a refined taste. That is, to say, you can actually taste it. The alcohol is still quite apparent, but also is the taste of black liquorice and herbs.

Vote:

No visuals. The taste is better than most absinth, not to say that it's pleasant in any way, and it doesn't take much to get a very heavy buzz.

 

Test Four, King of Spirits Absinth.

Self-proclaimed as "The best and most expensive in the world," King of Spirits is unique in One) its pale green, almost clear color and Two) the fact that it has herbs floating in it. 70 percent alcohol by volume and 10 mg thujon per liter.

"I feel buzzed," notes Gwen only a few minutes after her first few sips.

"My stomach hurts but I'm ready for more. It makes my stomach, chest and throat feel very warm. Drinking it makes my whole body shiver, and these seed things [floating] in it are really gross."

After the second or third large sip, Gwen seems as if she is about to be sick.

"I almost threw up," she says.

Vote:

Again, great for getting drunk, but the psychoactive effects, if any, are not apparent with only a few drinks.

"It's my first drink of the day," Gwen attests, "but it's like my first drink of the day was a bottle of Jack Daniels."

 

Test Five, Staroplzenechy Absinth (Green).

Manufactured according to the original French recipe, and packaged in more modern looking bottles, this absinth contains 70 percent alcohol by volume and 10 mg thujon per liter.

“It smells like Nyquil,” sneers Jen just before taking the first sip.

“And it tastes like Nyquil, too,” she says, after the first sip is taken. “It's disgusting.”

Jen, unlike Asha and Gwen, is seemingly unaffected.

“It’s making me disoriented, but that's it. Maybe if I had more. . . .”

Vote:

Tested as the least effective absinth yet, this one seems not to do much unless consumed in mass quantities, which Jen (who has sampled absinth before) does not recommend:

"[You should] drink it while sober so you can gauge how you feel. It would be great for a couple, but drinking it all night would be dangerous."

 

Test Six, Absinth 35.

 Self proclaimed as a "pure, natural product," Absinth 35 is named so for a reason. The thujon content is a whopping 35 mg, more than three times the standard, but shares the normal alcohol content of 70 percent.

The best for last, this absinth is the real deal. Taken in a bar in southeastern Czech Republic, I should have known better when the bartender, Sasha, informed me that he “has some new absinth that I want to experiment on you with.”

As time went by, friends' words began to get heavier and voices deeper. My vision wasn't quite blurred, but my reality was. Cares seemed to drift off, as I rose higher into a dream-like state. A pleasant unawareness of my surroundings captured this feeling of smooth drunkenness.

But it didn't last long. After a while it just made me really tired. Drinking it in a larger quantity may have helped, but it also may have made it much worse.

Vote:

If you want the absinth that's closest to the myth and the legend, this is the bottle for you. Still, however, no hallucinations.

 

Writer Oscar Wilde once said of absinth:

“After the first drink you see things the way you want to. After the second drink you see things the way they are not. And after the third drink you see things the way they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.”

So if you'd like to try for yourself, be daring. Take the advice of this panel or not. But, kids, try not to cut off your ear, they don't make it like they used to.

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